Glorious Sleep

Friday night I went to the store for a few things, and indulged myself by buying a bag of chocolate covered peanuts from the bulk bin.

Now, chocolate covered peanuts and I have a long history together. My mom used to buy them from Mr. Bulky's and we would hide them from my dad and brothers because we were chicks and we didn't want to share. A lot of good memories associated with chocolate covered peanuts.

Not so much this bag. Keith and I were the only ones who ate them, and Keith and I were the only two in the house to come down with food poisoning early Saturday morning. There was no throwing up, but our stomachs were both upset, we both ran fevers, visited the bathroom, and generally felt like crap all day long. Turns out, someone must have sneezed or coughed into the bulk bin during refilling it, and we ingested the virus.

Remember those two precious angels we have? Yeah, the virus spread. They caught nasty colds. Fever, lack of appetite, coughing, runny nose, the works.

So, to recap, we've got two sick kids with two recovering parents. (Do you see where this is going?)

Sunday night, Josie could not breath while laying down. I had to prop her up on two pillows just so she could sleep more than 15 minutes at a time. Of course, she only slept 1, 1 1/2 hours at a time. And Matthew would get up every 15 minutes between 2am and 4am. Neither Keith nor I got much sleep that night. Pretty much the same thing happened Monday night.

Did I mention how high-maintenance the children were during the day? Okay, how high-maintenance Josie was? Matthew is just like Keith when he's sick, you check on him every now and then, make sure he's not hungry or thirsty and give him medicine, but you basically just leave him alone.

Josie, on the other hand, is an attention hog. By the end of the day, I'm emotionally exhausted from entertaining her and keeping her from screaming all day long. And that's on a normal day. When she's sick, she's worse. By the time Keith gets home from work, I can't take it anymore. I have used every weapon in my arsenal, and I'm done. Keith, of course, doesn't see all my tricks I use, he only sees a few. When he runs thru those, he doesn't really know what else to do with her. This frustrates me, but most days its no big deal.

Tuesday night, it was a big deal. I was running on so little sleep I had a complete breakdown. Keith of course, was running on the same lack of sleep that I was. I managed to keep us from escalating into a HUGE argument, but still, words were said that hurt.

My most humble apologies go to my husband.

Did I mention that Josie is also teething right now? Yeah. It's been fun. Not.

Tuesday night, I went to bed early, and the kids got up every 2-3 hours, so we got a bit more sleep than the previous nights, and last night Matthew slept ALL NIGHT! Josie only got up ONCE to eat. I actually feel mostly rested today! WOOT! We did a mental happy dance this morning! (still too tired to actually dance the happy dance, but oh well)

Maybe I won't use my therapist's time to take a nap after all today. :)

If this doesn't make you laugh,

you are a cruel, heartless bastard who enjoys the suffering of small animals.

This will totally make your day, I promise!

Christmas-y goodness

My tree is up, is yours?

Picture of tree with flash:

Picture of tree without the flash:

My angel at the top:

I hope everyone's holidays are merry,
and may peace be with you and yours.

I've been busy.

But not for the usual reasons this time of the year. I have nothing to cook or bake for tomorrow, and dinner is not at my house! WOOT! (okay, we have frozen rolls to bake, but that's it.)

I do have TWO dinners to attend tomorrow, so we'll be pacing ourselves on the food.

Things I'm thankful for:

• Having a wonderful husband who gives me the world.
• Having two beautiful children that take my breath away with how precious they are.
• Actually knowing what true unconditional love is and being able to give it to my children.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

As I seriously contemplate the whole nursing thing.

Josie, who is now almost 6 months old, cut her first tooth yesterday! She's cute as a button, and nursing is good for her, but damn, that girl can bite. What's the damage going to be now that she has teeth? This is one milestone I have very mixed feelings about!

Midterm Midtacular

It's election day today, vote early, vote often.

update

I want to say thank you to everyone that commented, called, pm'd, and emailed me with their concerns and hugs, it really means a lot to me.

Sadly enough, the very ones to whom this post was written to completely missed the entire point of my anger and frustration.

This is the email I recieved from my mother:

i am ashamed of you  you are a big girl you do not have to
throw a temmper tantrum because you did not get to do something you wanted.
you are the one who threw us away ten years ago when you thought you were
mature enough to handle mark.  don't blame us for your problems.
we were happy. we gave you what we could    lots of LOVE. we still LOVE
you even tho that message was the most hateful thing i have have ever heard
out of you
we have our problems. we will have problems   your brothers are very
hurt that you think that.  your dad was devestated that you hate him that
much. i am shocked and ashamed of you.

This is the email I sent back in response:

Subject: Well, you completely missed the point.

Not that I'm surprised, really.

Temper tantrum? Try mental breakdown. And it's been 5 years in the making. Tom's wedding wasn't even the straw that broke the camel's back.

How often do any of you call me just to chat? How often do you ask to see your grandchildren? How often do you send me an email to find out how I'm doing? I stopped calling you a year and a half ago when you didn't acknowledge the pictures I sent of Matthew to you, and you never even noticed.

And exactly how did I throw you away when I married Mark? You lost me on that one. Mark had absolutely NOTHING to do with why I left your religion. I threw you away? I don't think so. You are required to treat me as if I was the devil, turning your back on me. I threw away nothing but empty promises made by old dead men. (Just when is Armageddon coming? Soon, isn't it? I thought it was supposed to be here in 1914, no, 1935, no, 1975, wait, when is it coming again? 2034? Oh well, it's RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!)

I know that you love me. I love you very much. Nowhere in my post did I express hatred for any of my family, not even Dad. Hatred for what your religion makes you do, yes, but not for you. But you can't see that, can you?

I don't blame you for any of my problems. Quite frankly, I don't really have any problems, I have a very happy life. I have a wonderful husband who shows me unconditional love and two beautiful children. I actually live a more moral life than I did while I was a witness.

You did the best you could, and I love you for that. You raised me to be strong and independent and to think for myself. But yet, because I am strong, because I am independent, because I think for myself, I am punished. You are punished.

I find it very interesting that you feel free to tell me how ashamed you are of me because of mere words that I wrote from the bottom of my heart in the depths of pain, but yet you've never told me how proud you are of me for being the strong, independent woman you raised me to be. You've never told me how proud you are of my beautiful children.

And you are MISSING your grandchildren's lives. Do you have any idea of the pain I feel when I think about them missing out on the wonderful grandparents they have?

I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting to have you in my life. For 8 years I have fought to keep you in my life so you could be in your grandchildren's lives. But you never ask to see your grandchildren. You weren't even there the day Matthew was born. That hurt me so very much. You have no idea how painful it is to even remember that. I feel that me and my family just aren't important to you, at all.

Temper tantrum? Try mental breakdown. Over 5 years in the making. And all because your religion prevents you from showing me the love I know you have for me.

*sigh* I'm sure that they still will miss the point, if they even read it. This was a bridge I really didn't want to burn, but my anger and frustration just couldn't be contained anymore. And sometimes, the best someone can do just isn't enough.

Halloween, 2006

Pictures of my two cutie-patooties!

Matthew had an absolute blast running and jumping around the block!
He even liked getting candy!

Have you seen my family?

My family has been stolen from me: my father, my mother, and both of my brothers. Gone, stolen. Never to be returned.

Were they murdered? In an accident or fire? No.

They were stolen from me by their own religion. The very religion I was raised to believe. But because I choose to follow a different path, they are REQUIRED to shun me. Or they will be expelled as I was.

I thought the greatest hope a parent could have for their child was happiness no matter what path they followed. Am I wrong? Why do I have to be someone I'm not for them to show me their love for me? I'm sorry, for them to be ALLOWED to show me the love they have for me? What kind of religion makes a parent treat their own flesh and blood with contempt? How healthy is that religion, really? Does that religion really follow the bible or Jesus?

But yet, they have "the truth", and I have turned my back on God, simply because I refuse to be a hypocrite and pretend to be something I'm not. I live in the now, instead of waiting to live my life in some mythical "paradise on earth" where everyone is the same. (Can you say "Stepford world"?)

It is my belief that each individual on this planet is unique, unlike anyone else. For those of you that believe that God created us, why do you insist that we all follow the same path? Why must we all believe what you believe? I don't get it.

I am a very unique person. So are you. I embrace you, why can't you embrace me? We come from the same place, don't we?

(Edited because some people can't see where my pain actually comes from. Actually, they can't see my pain at all.)

You claim you have the one, true religion. Really? Huh. Jesus said we would be able to recognize his followers by the "love they show". All I ever saw in the 28 years I was part of your religion was power-hungry assholes who put the appearance of righteousness above actual righteousness. Your religion has rules made by men (ie, not allowed to associate with those that have been expelled, not allowed to have beards or goatees, women aren't allowed to wear dresses or skirts above the knee, not allowed to critically examine your own religion but expect others to examine theirs so they can be converted, ..... I could go on and on and on and on and.....), something Jesus detested.

I quote from your very own bible:

Mark 7:6-8 He (Jesus) said to them: "Isaiah aptly prophesied about YOU hypocrites, as it is written, 'This people honor me with [their] lips, but their hearts are far removed from me. It is in vain that they keep worshiping me, because they teach as doctrines commands of men.' Letting go of the commandment of God, YOU hold fast the tradition of men."

One of the characteristics of a destructive religion is an enforced policy that requires the members to shun anyone who leaves or gets expelled from the religion. It is a common trait among esoteric movements that claim to be "the Truth." Members are required to sever association with even their own family members and relatives who leave. The consequences of this harsh doctrinal policy are extreme, shattering family relationships and leaving the victims emotionally and spiritually devastated.

Still don't believe me about the toxicity of your religion?

The scripture used to deny me entrance to my brother's wedding:

But now I am writing you to quit mixing in company with anyone called a brother that is a fornicator or a greedy person or an idolater or a reviler or a drunkard or an extortioner, not even eating with such a man....Remove the wicked [man] from among yourselves.--1.Cor. 5:11, 13 (NWT)

The text is clear that a person with whom the congregation should not mix company is one who is:
1) "called a brother" (that is, one who professes to be a member of the congregation); and
2) practicing fornication, greed, idolotry, reviling (insulting), habitual drunkeness, and/or extortion (theft).

• Jehovah's Witnesses do not disfellowship greedy persons.
• They often do not disfellowship people who regularly get drunk unless their conduct becomes so outrageous and publicly-known as to bring reproach upon Jehovah's Witnesses.
• They do not disfellowship people for many of the things which they themselves class as "idolatry" (for example: materialism, worshipping an organization, etc.).
• On the other hand, Jehovah's Witnesses do disfellowship and shun people for:
  
  • no longer claiming to be called a brother/sister.
  • independent study and discussion of the Bible that brings Watchtower doctrine into question.
  • possession of literature written by former members.
  • having lunch with a former member, even if the former member professes to be a Christian and was not disfellowshipped for fornication, greed, idolotry, reviling, drunkeness, or extortion.
  • attending a service of any other church or religious organization.
  • authorizing a blood transfusion, even to save the life of a child.
  • numerous other actions not mentioned in scripture, but deemed by the congregation elders to be "unclean conduct," or "conduct unbecoming" of a Jehovah's Witness. "Conduct" in this case covers a broad range of actions not clearly defined by the Society, leaving discernment about what is not acceptable to the discretion of the congregation's elders. As a result, standards by which people may be disfellowshiped are inconsistent throughout this religion which claims "unity" to be one of their identifying characteristics.

"Not to be mixing in company with" . . . "not even eating with . . ."
Here it is important to learn the customs of association for worship practiced by first-century Jews and Christians, bearing in mind that Jesus and the apostles were Jews. They lived according to the Jewish lifestyle and customs of their day. Jesus taught in the synogogues; hence, he was called "Rabbi." Matt.26:25; 26:49; Mark 9:5; 11:21; 14:25; John 1:38, 49; 3:2, 26; 4:31; 6:25; 9:2; 11:8

There were two kinds of association for religious worship:
1) public meetings, such as at the temple and in synogogues, which anyone was allowed to attend; and
2) private gatherings of the different sects.
Christians and Jews participated in both. Christians, met in private homes, usually over a special meal with prayer. A presiding minister hosted the meal using either fellowship funds or personal funds. (Acts 20:20; see the footnote in older editions of the NWT)

Christians were instructed to "greet" one another with a kiss. (Rom.16:16; 1.Cor.16:20; 2Cor.13:12; Ti.3:15; 1Pet.5:14) When Paul sent his "greetings" in a letter to the Christians in Thessalonica, he requested that the "brothers" be greeted by a "holy kiss" on his behalf. (1Thess.5:26)
It was by this sign that Judas betrayed Jesus. (Luke 22:47,48)

Clearly, Paul did instruct Christians to expel from the congregation's fellowship any person who was purposely practicing willful sin. The disassociation would quite naturally exclude them from being greeted by the identifying "holy kiss," as well as not being allowed to share in meetings and the meals for Christian worship and prayer. However, Paul's instruction did not prohibit normal conversation or witnessing to former members. Nor were they barred from attending worship in the temple or the synagogues. Jesus, the apostles and Paul, along with the rest of the Jews, worshipped God both publicly in the temple and synagogues, and privately with small groups in various homes. (Acts 5:42) It was from the private Christian fellowship for worship that sinners were excluded.

I refuse to associate myself with any religion that requires shunning. I will not be an arrogant hypocrite ever again.

My family was stolen from me over 8 years ago, and I miss them.

Huge Photo Update

is up over at Sader-Family.org!

It's over 5 pages of pictures, it qualifies as huge!

How stupid are you?

Yay! I'm pretty smart! Woot!

A pretty accurate reading, I would say.

You Are 60% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded. Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints. But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line. You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

MWUAHAHAHAHAHA

This is so rad!



*wipes tears from laughing so hard*

I love the Dresden Dolls!

Beta.....

I finally know enough people who have already switched,, so here we go!


edited to say: me likey!

Free Hugs

Much better now

It's amazing what a trip to Worlds of Fun WITHOUT children can do for a person's spirit. I'm feeling much better, as long as I don't dwell on certain things. I still don't feel strong enough to deal with other people's drama, and I'm still not able to read any of the news regarding the tragedy in the Amish community without bawling.

Yesterday at WOF was a blast, I loved the new Patriot rollercoaster! Surrounded by friends who actually show me their love really took the bite out of the day.

BTW, a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY goes out to Andrew. Thanks for sharing your birthday with me!

Pulling away for a bit

Do you ever feel like you just want to lock yourself away from everyone so none of their crap visits you?

I have a very stable, happy and sane environment at home. Depression is not usually an issue at our house.

I always stick up for individual's rights, and encourge all my friends to empower themselves. I tend to get very involved in helping my friends. They need help, I try to help them realized they can help themselves, that they're strong enough to kick whatever bastard is getting them down. Sometimes, my job is to just make someone laugh, sometimes it's to rally other friends to another's crisis.

In the past month, I've had two friends so depressed they considered suicide. One went so far as taking tranqualizers and going to the beach; she was going to walk into the water and dissapear, she didn't want to exist anymore.

I also have a friend dealing with an abusive soon-to-be-ex husband who tried to bully her into signing the divorce papers without looking at them or talking to a lawyer. She had to be convinced that she wasn't backed into a corner with no options and to call a lawyer anyway. She's gotten a good lawyer and has declared war on the bastard treating her this way, but it took a bit to get her there.

Drama I can handle. After all, someone I used* to call sister is bi-polar and there was drama in her life ALL THE FUCKING TIME. (*a whole drama in and of itself)

But now I have to deal with my brother and all that crap, which means it's my drama, and I can't just lock it out of my head at night. AND I'm still nursing, which means that post-partum depression can still kick in at any time.

I'm tired. I can't deal with anyone else's drama right now. I need to recharge, and figure out how to deal with my fucked up family and the grief they cause me by their actions. So if you call me, please don't be offended if I don't answer the phone.

My brother is getting married tomorrow and I can't be at his wedding, I've got all the drama I can handle, and then some. I can't help you with yours right now.

Halloween's past

Pictures from previous Halloweens. Still trying to decide what Matt should be this year (he still has the mohawk, too!)

First Halloween, 2003:

2005:

I have no idea what we did in 2004, apparently we didn't document it very well!

Ribbons

The magnet ribbon on my CRV says "Support our troops, Bring them home." What does your's say?

Where I stand on Politics.

Paleo-Liberal You scored 79% Personal Liberty and 52% Economic Liberty!

A paleo-liberal believes in low to moderate government intervention on personal matters and moderate government intervention on economic matters. They tend to be opposed to war, police powers and victimless crimes. They believe in a social safety net, but to a lesser extent then most leftists. They generally believe in protecting personal liberty. They support self-ownership and privacy. Some Paleo-liberals may lean towards embracing capitalism as an economic system. Paleo-liberals are reminiscent of the attitude of the "new left" of the 60's and 70's. Strong Paleo-Liberals border on Libertarianism.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Personal You scored higher than 99% on Economic

Link: The Politics Test written by brainpolice on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test