I want to say thank you to everyone that commented, called, pm'd, and emailed me with their concerns and hugs, it really means a lot to me.
Sadly enough, the very ones to whom this post was written to completely missed the entire point of my anger and frustration.
This is the email I recieved from my mother:
This is the email I sent back in response:i am ashamed of you you are a big girl you do not have to
throw a temmper tantrum because you did not get to do something you wanted.
you are the one who threw us away ten years ago when you thought you were
mature enough to handle mark. don't blame us for your problems.
we were happy. we gave you what we could lots of LOVE. we still LOVE
you even tho that message was the most hateful thing i have have ever heard
out of you
we have our problems. we will have problems your brothers are very
hurt that you think that. your dad was devestated that you hate him that
much. i am shocked and ashamed of you.
Subject: Well, you completely missed the point.
Not that I'm surprised, really.
Temper tantrum? Try mental breakdown. And it's been 5 years in the making. Tom's wedding wasn't even the straw that broke the camel's back.
How often do any of you call me just to chat? How often do you ask to see your grandchildren? How often do you send me an email to find out how I'm doing? I stopped calling you a year and a half ago when you didn't acknowledge the pictures I sent of Matthew to you, and you never even noticed.
And exactly how did I throw you away when I married Mark? You lost me on that one. Mark had absolutely NOTHING to do with why I left your religion. I threw you away? I don't think so. You are required to treat me as if I was the devil, turning your back on me. I threw away nothing but empty promises made by old dead men. (Just when is Armageddon coming? Soon, isn't it? I thought it was supposed to be here in 1914, no, 1935, no, 1975, wait, when is it coming again? 2034? Oh well, it's RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!)
I know that you love me. I love you very much. Nowhere in my post did I express hatred for any of my family, not even Dad. Hatred for what your religion makes you do, yes, but not for you. But you can't see that, can you?
I don't blame you for any of my problems. Quite frankly, I don't really have any problems, I have a very happy life. I have a wonderful husband who shows me unconditional love and two beautiful children. I actually live a more moral life than I did while I was a witness.
You did the best you could, and I love you for that. You raised me to be strong and independent and to think for myself. But yet, because I am strong, because I am independent, because I think for myself, I am punished. You are punished.
I find it very interesting that you feel free to tell me how ashamed you are of me because of mere words that I wrote from the bottom of my heart in the depths of pain, but yet you've never told me how proud you are of me for being the strong, independent woman you raised me to be. You've never told me how proud you are of my beautiful children.
And you are MISSING your grandchildren's lives. Do you have any idea of the pain I feel when I think about them missing out on the wonderful grandparents they have?
I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting to have you in my life. For 8 years I have fought to keep you in my life so you could be in your grandchildren's lives. But you never ask to see your grandchildren. You weren't even there the day Matthew was born. That hurt me so very much. You have no idea how painful it is to even remember that. I feel that me and my family just aren't important to you, at all.
Temper tantrum? Try mental breakdown. Over 5 years in the making. And all because your religion prevents you from showing me the love I know you have for me.
*sigh* I'm sure that they still will miss the point, if they even read it. This was a bridge I really didn't want to burn, but my anger and frustration just couldn't be contained anymore. And sometimes, the best someone can do just isn't enough.