Anniversaries.

This coming Sunday, the 30th of September, is my parent's 40th wedding anniversary. My brother's 1st anniversary is the following Sunday, October 7th.

I haven't really spoken to my brother since he told me I would not be welcome at his wedding last year. I haven't spoken to my father since this post, and I've only had minor email conversations with my mom since this post.

I've not been told of, let alone invited to, any anniversary party anyone might be throwing for my parents. Not that that surprises me or anything.

Mom & Dad, happy anniversary. I love you.

Tom and Andra, happy anniversary. I love you.

Happy birthday to my "baby", Earl, who turned 22 today.

Well, duh.

You are Agnostic

You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care. For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine. You rather focus on what you can control - your own life. And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

Tell me something I didn't know!

Who the heck is Marcus Brigstocke?

Stolen from pharyngula.

So everyone knows that Kieth and I had our 6th anniversary earlier this month, right? I mean, its not like we tried to burn down our house or anything like that.

And pretty much everyone that reads this blog knows about the many issues I have with my parent's religion.

So I have finally moved on from the feelings this post inspired, and then I get an email from my mother. Five days AFTER my anniversary. *WM means Wal-Mart*

happy 6th anniversary.hope you are doing, ok we are. i quit W M. am working with Dad. stress level is way down. am happier, have time to play in my garden. going to columbia,mo for assembly in aug.

These few sentences tell me so very much. The date tells me my parents still don't have internet at home, my mom had to go to the library to send me this email. It tells me that my mom probably had to sneak out to the library to use the internet. And it tells me that they weren't even in town the beginning of June (so they weren't ignoring me after all).

After many days of deliberation, I finally found a way to tell my mom how hurt I was, hopefully without being to mean about it.

I'm so glad you're happy and less stressed! Everyone is doing fine up here, Josie is now 13 months old and walking all over the place. Matthew will be four in August (I swear, I just brought him home yesterday!). Keith has a really awesome job with *****, the *** company. I'm still staying at home with the kids right now, most days I love it, some days they drive me crazy.

I must say, though, that I was very hurt and upset when you didn't call to see your grandchildren during the assembly here in Kansas City. I had no way of knowing that you weren't here, but I do keep track of things that are going on in the religion. I know when the assemblies are (I even know most of what is talked about at the assemblies), I know about the new Watchtower formats, and all the new rules the Governing Body has imposed upon you all.

I'm not stupid, but I also can't read your mind to know which assembly you attend, so you not calling during the assembly up here really hurt me, mostly because you're denying my children the chance to get to know you. And you are a wonderful person, a person worthy of being known.

And sadly, I don't really know you, not who you were when you were younger. I don't know what hopes and dreams you had, I don't know many stories of your youth, and I don't know what makes you tick.

All I know is that you have let Dad (another person worthy of being known) guilt everyone in the family into not having any contact with me or your sister. I know that you sneak away about once a year to have lunch with your sister. I know that you probably had to sneak away to the library just to email me.

I sit here in tears because I hurt so much. I hurt for myself, I hurt for my children, and I hurt for you and dad.

I, too, am worthy of being known, and so are my children. But you don't know who I am anymore. You don't know my dreams, for me or my children, and you never ask.

Love is not a feeling, Mom, Love is an action. Love is an email, love is a phone call, love is a letter, love is a hug, and love is being there for your children when they need you.

When I needed you most, you were denied me, and you were denied being here for me.

Sad what the rules of 9-12 men in Brooklyn who run a publishing company have done to our lives, isn't it?

I've seen their version of love first hand, and quite honestly, want absolutely nothing to do with it ever again. I have something more precious. I have UNCONDITIONAL love. It's absolutely amazing.

I wish it would actually make a difference in how they treat me, but, truly, I'm not holding my breath. Nothing will change until my father is gone. And that in and of itself makes me sad.

*sigh*

This past weekend (June 1-3), my parents were here in Kansas City for their Annual District Convention of Jehovah's Witnesses. This year's theme was "Follow The Christ".

I wonder if any of these points were mentioned?

Jesus did not shun those who were shunned due to religious decrees. Not one.

The first person Jesus (supposedly) told as to his supernatural identity was the Samaritan woman at the well, who had slept with 7 men and was shacking up with another man. Jesus put this horrible sinner first and never condemned her at all.

The only group ever condemned directly by Jesus own mouth according to the traditional gospels were the religious leaders who put laws before people that were too much for them to bear. (read up on Matt 23 and compare to the Governing Body)

I'm guessing not, seeing as how my parents didn't even call to see their only grandchildren.

Exactly what do my parents think I'm going to tell my children when they ask me why their grandparents never see them? That mommy did something really really bad and this is her punishment? That mommy left the only true God and condemned myself and them to destruction at Armageddon?

I'll tell you what I'm going to tell my children. I'm going to tell them that their grandparents love them the best that they can, but they belong to a religion that forbids them to have any contact with their only daughter because I dared to leave the church I was raised in. I dared to be an independent thinker and dared to question the authority of 9-12 MEN. I refused to let MEN tell me who I could and could not talk to or associate with. I refused to let MEN tell me, that because I was born a woman, I would always be a second-class citizen.

I refused to be a victim my whole life, never thinking that I was good enough for God.

I refused to lie about who I am to fit into their small mold of what is acceptable. I am so much more than that. According to them, God created each and everyone of us, but yet to follow God, we're not allowed to reach our full potential.

I cry for my children for the loss of their grandparents, whom they will most likely never know.

I cry for myself for the loss of my parents, for their love requires them to love the law of men more than their daughter.

I cry for my parents who will never know just how beautiful and wonderful their grandchildren truly are.

I cry for my brother who will never realize his dream of a Masters in Physics because to do so would take too much time away from his God (not to mention would completely destroy his faith and make him as evil as me).

My parents and brothers are more than a religion, but the chance to know them as people has been stolen from me.

Our Freedom

It is our freedom, as Americans, to believe (or not believe) as we see fit. Many in Government are trying to take that freedom (along with other freedoms) away from us.

This weekend is Blog Against Theorcracy weekend. I truly hope that those who think that this country should have laws based on their religion take a moment to stop and think about the consequences if that were to truly happen.

Eight long years

This past Saturday, Keith came into the bathroom as I was getting ready to take my shower. He showed me an envelope, and told me it was the very last ever payment on my student loan from Cosmotology School. I was so happy, I cried in the shower!

For the last few years, I've been feeling very frustrated, being at home with the kids all the time. Due to my family raising me in a CULT, I was discouraged from ever going to college. I've felt cheated from having an education. Once Keith finished his degree back in December of 2005, we analized our financial situation, and determined that as soon as my student loan was paid off, I could start taking classes and get a degree. A degree in what, I'm still not sure.

Well, my student load is paid off! Matthew will be starting pre-school this fall, and I'm sure I can find reasonable child care for Josie. I get to go to college!

Now I just have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.

Taking an active interest in politics

This morning was Coffee with Cleaver at Dunn Brother's Coffee on Red Bridge, which just happens to be right down the street from me. So I dragged my sorry butt out of bed and attended, because I had a few things to say to the Rev. Cleaver II.

Speaking with the good Reverand went quite well, I must say. I mostly support what he has done, and wished to thank him personally, and to discuss the bloating of Congress with stupid bills to give 'commendation' to sports teams.

The most interesting part of the morning, however, was speaking to the gentleman sitting at my table. Turns out his ex-wife converted to Jehovah's Witnesses, and his oldest daughter is disfellowshipped like me, and trying to cope with her mother and younger sister shunning her. He also has to deal with his youngest daughter not really allowing him to see his grandchildren.

Fucking religion.

He's also trying to form an organization that would get professional athletes to commit to being drug-free, so our young people that look up to them don't follow in their footsteps. I am all about getting people paid millions of dollars to play a stupid game (vs teachers who get paid shit to teach our children) to set a good example for our children.

Because it's not football if you don't break something.

So, because my parents are allowed to speak with me, just not associate with me, my mom called me tonight to let me know that my youngest brother Earl broke his right ankle playing football today.

He broke the small bone, and dislocated pretty much everything else. He's going into surgery tomorrow (a SUNDAY) to put a plate on the broken bone. He is currently on a MORPHINE drip right now. He may get to go home on Tuesday.

Oh, did I mention that because he's a Jehovah's Witness, he dropped out of college, and works at a job where he has no medical insurance. He's 21 years old, and has thousands of dollars of medical debt now.

*sigh*

Because child molestation is WRONG.

NO Religion should protect even ONE child molester. Not even God's "chosen" religion. ESPECIALLY God's "chosen" religion.

Dear Friends,

From time to time, even as recently as a couple of months ago, we have had formal requests from various forms of media groups. They are requesting silentlambs to provide victims of sexual abuse within the Jehovah's Witness organization to come forward in person and contribute their story. We have numerous individuals who remain 'on call' and have been in our call database since 2001.

We would appreciate it if you would forward a request to any and all new ones who would like to be on our 'call list' for future appearances in the media. For example we recently recieved a phone call one morning from a well known talk show wanting abuse victims and phone numbers who were willing to go on the show, and they were to be provided in a matter of two hours. We were able to follow through with this request. Hopefully this show will air soon.

Please forward this message to any who might be interested. They must contact us at our official website, www.silentlambs.org and be willing to tell their story. They may remain anonymous with the media if this is what they choose.

Thank you for passing this on.

silentlambs

http://www.silentlambs.org/

update

I want to say thank you to everyone that commented, called, pm'd, and emailed me with their concerns and hugs, it really means a lot to me.

Sadly enough, the very ones to whom this post was written to completely missed the entire point of my anger and frustration.

This is the email I recieved from my mother:

i am ashamed of you  you are a big girl you do not have to
throw a temmper tantrum because you did not get to do something you wanted.
you are the one who threw us away ten years ago when you thought you were
mature enough to handle mark.  don't blame us for your problems.
we were happy. we gave you what we could    lots of LOVE. we still LOVE
you even tho that message was the most hateful thing i have have ever heard
out of you
we have our problems. we will have problems   your brothers are very
hurt that you think that.  your dad was devestated that you hate him that
much. i am shocked and ashamed of you.

This is the email I sent back in response:

Subject: Well, you completely missed the point.

Not that I'm surprised, really.

Temper tantrum? Try mental breakdown. And it's been 5 years in the making. Tom's wedding wasn't even the straw that broke the camel's back.

How often do any of you call me just to chat? How often do you ask to see your grandchildren? How often do you send me an email to find out how I'm doing? I stopped calling you a year and a half ago when you didn't acknowledge the pictures I sent of Matthew to you, and you never even noticed.

And exactly how did I throw you away when I married Mark? You lost me on that one. Mark had absolutely NOTHING to do with why I left your religion. I threw you away? I don't think so. You are required to treat me as if I was the devil, turning your back on me. I threw away nothing but empty promises made by old dead men. (Just when is Armageddon coming? Soon, isn't it? I thought it was supposed to be here in 1914, no, 1935, no, 1975, wait, when is it coming again? 2034? Oh well, it's RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!)

I know that you love me. I love you very much. Nowhere in my post did I express hatred for any of my family, not even Dad. Hatred for what your religion makes you do, yes, but not for you. But you can't see that, can you?

I don't blame you for any of my problems. Quite frankly, I don't really have any problems, I have a very happy life. I have a wonderful husband who shows me unconditional love and two beautiful children. I actually live a more moral life than I did while I was a witness.

You did the best you could, and I love you for that. You raised me to be strong and independent and to think for myself. But yet, because I am strong, because I am independent, because I think for myself, I am punished. You are punished.

I find it very interesting that you feel free to tell me how ashamed you are of me because of mere words that I wrote from the bottom of my heart in the depths of pain, but yet you've never told me how proud you are of me for being the strong, independent woman you raised me to be. You've never told me how proud you are of my beautiful children.

And you are MISSING your grandchildren's lives. Do you have any idea of the pain I feel when I think about them missing out on the wonderful grandparents they have?

I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting to have you in my life. For 8 years I have fought to keep you in my life so you could be in your grandchildren's lives. But you never ask to see your grandchildren. You weren't even there the day Matthew was born. That hurt me so very much. You have no idea how painful it is to even remember that. I feel that me and my family just aren't important to you, at all.

Temper tantrum? Try mental breakdown. Over 5 years in the making. And all because your religion prevents you from showing me the love I know you have for me.

*sigh* I'm sure that they still will miss the point, if they even read it. This was a bridge I really didn't want to burn, but my anger and frustration just couldn't be contained anymore. And sometimes, the best someone can do just isn't enough.

Have you seen my family?

My family has been stolen from me: my father, my mother, and both of my brothers. Gone, stolen. Never to be returned.

Were they murdered? In an accident or fire? No.

They were stolen from me by their own religion. The very religion I was raised to believe. But because I choose to follow a different path, they are REQUIRED to shun me. Or they will be expelled as I was.

I thought the greatest hope a parent could have for their child was happiness no matter what path they followed. Am I wrong? Why do I have to be someone I'm not for them to show me their love for me? I'm sorry, for them to be ALLOWED to show me the love they have for me? What kind of religion makes a parent treat their own flesh and blood with contempt? How healthy is that religion, really? Does that religion really follow the bible or Jesus?

But yet, they have "the truth", and I have turned my back on God, simply because I refuse to be a hypocrite and pretend to be something I'm not. I live in the now, instead of waiting to live my life in some mythical "paradise on earth" where everyone is the same. (Can you say "Stepford world"?)

It is my belief that each individual on this planet is unique, unlike anyone else. For those of you that believe that God created us, why do you insist that we all follow the same path? Why must we all believe what you believe? I don't get it.

I am a very unique person. So are you. I embrace you, why can't you embrace me? We come from the same place, don't we?

(Edited because some people can't see where my pain actually comes from. Actually, they can't see my pain at all.)

You claim you have the one, true religion. Really? Huh. Jesus said we would be able to recognize his followers by the "love they show". All I ever saw in the 28 years I was part of your religion was power-hungry assholes who put the appearance of righteousness above actual righteousness. Your religion has rules made by men (ie, not allowed to associate with those that have been expelled, not allowed to have beards or goatees, women aren't allowed to wear dresses or skirts above the knee, not allowed to critically examine your own religion but expect others to examine theirs so they can be converted, ..... I could go on and on and on and on and.....), something Jesus detested.

I quote from your very own bible:

Mark 7:6-8 He (Jesus) said to them: "Isaiah aptly prophesied about YOU hypocrites, as it is written, 'This people honor me with [their] lips, but their hearts are far removed from me. It is in vain that they keep worshiping me, because they teach as doctrines commands of men.' Letting go of the commandment of God, YOU hold fast the tradition of men."

One of the characteristics of a destructive religion is an enforced policy that requires the members to shun anyone who leaves or gets expelled from the religion. It is a common trait among esoteric movements that claim to be "the Truth." Members are required to sever association with even their own family members and relatives who leave. The consequences of this harsh doctrinal policy are extreme, shattering family relationships and leaving the victims emotionally and spiritually devastated.

Still don't believe me about the toxicity of your religion?

The scripture used to deny me entrance to my brother's wedding:

But now I am writing you to quit mixing in company with anyone called a brother that is a fornicator or a greedy person or an idolater or a reviler or a drunkard or an extortioner, not even eating with such a man....Remove the wicked [man] from among yourselves.--1.Cor. 5:11, 13 (NWT)

The text is clear that a person with whom the congregation should not mix company is one who is:
1) "called a brother" (that is, one who professes to be a member of the congregation); and
2) practicing fornication, greed, idolotry, reviling (insulting), habitual drunkeness, and/or extortion (theft).

• Jehovah's Witnesses do not disfellowship greedy persons.
• They often do not disfellowship people who regularly get drunk unless their conduct becomes so outrageous and publicly-known as to bring reproach upon Jehovah's Witnesses.
• They do not disfellowship people for many of the things which they themselves class as "idolatry" (for example: materialism, worshipping an organization, etc.).
• On the other hand, Jehovah's Witnesses do disfellowship and shun people for:
  
  • no longer claiming to be called a brother/sister.
  • independent study and discussion of the Bible that brings Watchtower doctrine into question.
  • possession of literature written by former members.
  • having lunch with a former member, even if the former member professes to be a Christian and was not disfellowshipped for fornication, greed, idolotry, reviling, drunkeness, or extortion.
  • attending a service of any other church or religious organization.
  • authorizing a blood transfusion, even to save the life of a child.
  • numerous other actions not mentioned in scripture, but deemed by the congregation elders to be "unclean conduct," or "conduct unbecoming" of a Jehovah's Witness. "Conduct" in this case covers a broad range of actions not clearly defined by the Society, leaving discernment about what is not acceptable to the discretion of the congregation's elders. As a result, standards by which people may be disfellowshiped are inconsistent throughout this religion which claims "unity" to be one of their identifying characteristics.

"Not to be mixing in company with" . . . "not even eating with . . ."
Here it is important to learn the customs of association for worship practiced by first-century Jews and Christians, bearing in mind that Jesus and the apostles were Jews. They lived according to the Jewish lifestyle and customs of their day. Jesus taught in the synogogues; hence, he was called "Rabbi." Matt.26:25; 26:49; Mark 9:5; 11:21; 14:25; John 1:38, 49; 3:2, 26; 4:31; 6:25; 9:2; 11:8

There were two kinds of association for religious worship:
1) public meetings, such as at the temple and in synogogues, which anyone was allowed to attend; and
2) private gatherings of the different sects.
Christians and Jews participated in both. Christians, met in private homes, usually over a special meal with prayer. A presiding minister hosted the meal using either fellowship funds or personal funds. (Acts 20:20; see the footnote in older editions of the NWT)

Christians were instructed to "greet" one another with a kiss. (Rom.16:16; 1.Cor.16:20; 2Cor.13:12; Ti.3:15; 1Pet.5:14) When Paul sent his "greetings" in a letter to the Christians in Thessalonica, he requested that the "brothers" be greeted by a "holy kiss" on his behalf. (1Thess.5:26)
It was by this sign that Judas betrayed Jesus. (Luke 22:47,48)

Clearly, Paul did instruct Christians to expel from the congregation's fellowship any person who was purposely practicing willful sin. The disassociation would quite naturally exclude them from being greeted by the identifying "holy kiss," as well as not being allowed to share in meetings and the meals for Christian worship and prayer. However, Paul's instruction did not prohibit normal conversation or witnessing to former members. Nor were they barred from attending worship in the temple or the synagogues. Jesus, the apostles and Paul, along with the rest of the Jews, worshipped God both publicly in the temple and synagogues, and privately with small groups in various homes. (Acts 5:42) It was from the private Christian fellowship for worship that sinners were excluded.

I refuse to associate myself with any religion that requires shunning. I will not be an arrogant hypocrite ever again.

My family was stolen from me over 8 years ago, and I miss them.